When you have a good long look at life, you eventually see that it's all about relationships. We have a plethora of relationships raging around us all the time. We have a relationship (good, bad or indifferent) with our maker, our parents, our siblings, our children, our friends, our bosses, our sub-ordinates, our colleagues, our government, other drivers on the roads, waitrons, tellers, suppliers, clients, customers and the annoying taxi driver in the yellow line during peak hour traffic.

So how do you think you are performing in all of those areas?

I believe we have all heard the saying that 50% of marriages fail (don't shoot the messenger hey!!)? That would mean that we fail at about 95% of relationships! Remember, we do not marry everyone we date. Personally I believe this is why 80% of new businesses fail too.

Interestingly enough, when my wife Jacqui and I visited India, we were surprised to find that Indian arranged marriages beat the divorce statistics. Indian parents use astrology to pick partners for their children and it seems to work better than our chemical reaction (read lust) method here in the West. And here is a nice little challenge to all of you; someone once asserted that an enlightened being could be married off to anyone on earth and make the relationship work!

Then of course we get the common malady of searching for one's soul-mate. I believe we do this out of pure laziness! We think we want to find someone that is so perfect that we think the same, react the same, want the same, vote the same, say the right things, do the right things and fulfil every single need we have. Indeed you don't even need to talk because you are automatically tuned into each other almost telepathically. What rubbish. In my opinion, your soul mate would be someone who is the exact opposite and COMPLETES you. They would challenge you to grow, call you on your shit, tell you when you are being stupid and force you to grow (and probably grow up too!).

That is why my favourite relationship symbol is the yin-yang symbol. Not for religious or spiritual reasons but because we are opposites that complete each other. The little "dots" are where we are the same and they anchor us. The black and white are how different we are. The beauty is that we COMPLETE each other! Whenever I work with a couple who are struggling, it's usually because one partner wants the other partner to be more like them. Imagine the entire seven billion people on earth were exactly like you. The world would be a mess. My advice is to love yourself for who you are, then love your spouse for who they are and then don't try to change each other!

Millions of couples the world over will testify that the incredible feelings of falling in love do not last forever. While I do suggest that you do all you can to make that stage last as long as possible, I also encourage you to realise that it will settle. In my opinion, there are 5 stages to a long term relationship.

The Courtship Stage

I like to call this the marketing or lying phase. It's when you both show each other how wonderful you can be when you are both trying your very very best one hundred percent of the time. It's fun. It's easy. It's sexy.

The Living together / Engagement / Honeymoon Stage

This is also a really easy going time. Sporadic arguments but both of you are congruent and working at the relationship. There is lots of compromise and chivalry during this phase.

The Getting to know you Properly stage

Now this is the real acid test. This is when you start to see glimpses of the other side of each other. Some resentment may set in. some power games may appear. This is the time when you start falling out of lust and into reality. That cute twitch with the sniff is not quite as cute anymore. Many couples who confuse love and lust start to feel that they are falling out of love and start looking around for the pure chemistry of the courtship phase. This is when you see each other for who you really are, warts and all, and make the decision to stay. I assume if you are reading this book you chose to stay or you are wondering what went wrong and hoping to make the next one work.

Then the True Love / Friendship Stage

Scott Peck defines Love as, "One's willingness to expend energy for another's Spiritual growth."
Dr. Demartini defines love as occurring at the cusp of challenge and support – you see we need both unconditional as well as tough love in any relationship.

I define friendship as when you know someone fully, both their light and dark side, and are still able to accept them for who they are.

So the True Love Stage can only come with time, it's when you fall out of infatuation into reality, when you see each other for what you really are, warts and all, and still remain friends through thick and thin.

I can honestly say that I love Jax more today than when we got married. This is because I know her better and we have become great friends. I often tell people to marry their best friend because when the dust settles from the chemical stage (oestrogen and testosterone) all that you have left is your friendship.

And finally Growing Old Together

Well this is the ultimate goal right? When we get married we make commitments for life. What we really want is to still be happy together at 80 years old and I can assure you at 80, you had better have a great friendship, you are going to need it! My role models here are Mr and Mrs Williams. Mr Williams was absolutely besotted with Dalene. He affirmed it all the time and she blushed so beautifully when he complimented her. Jax and I were privileged to have them at our wedding and to be at their 50th wedding anniversary. I aspire to be like them.

falling in love

Scott Peck in his famous book, "The road less travelled" essentially explained this phenomena as, "The body having a chemical reaction to or with another person in which the two temporarily seem to become one to such an extent that they get their clothes off and procreate". He essentially asserts that the falling in love period is a trick the body plays on us in order for us to get into the sack and ensure the longevity of the human race.

falling in friendship

Someone once said, "Falling in love is easy, any fool can do that. Staying in love, however, takes real skill". Personally I believe that falling into friendship is more important than falling in lust or falling in love.
This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?

In my opinion the most important aspect to a long lasting relationship is understanding and accepting Human Behaviour and more specifically, Axiology, the study of human values and how our values drive us.

Most often when a couple need counselling, it's because one partner cannot understand the behaviour of the other partner and has a belief or expectation that the partner should behave differently.

Dr. John Demartini speaks prolifically on Axiology and Teleology. I encourage you to go to all of his talks and seminars, especially The Breakthrough Experience. He is an absolute master of human behaviour. www.drdemartini.com
The second most important aspect is realizing that a successful relationship is a choice. It will not just happen and you will be tested. This is why I encourage couples to create a mission and vision statement for their marriage with short, mid and long term goals that they mutually agree on. I promise you, a joint vision will assist you immeasurably. Without it you leave your marriage to fate.

Communication

In my opinion the yeast of a relationship is communication. It's the catalyst for growth and understanding. This is why most of my relationship seminars include lots of partner sharing. I split my 10 hour bootcamp into 3 sessions which I call 3 dates and I force you to relate. Likewise, I apply this in my marriage. It's so easy to get sucked into life and your separate routines. Jax and I have every Friday evening blocked out in our diaries for our date night. We have to get each other's permission to change it. We go out and spent time together, catching up and discussing current issues and planning our next step.

When you met your partner and went on your first set of dates, YOU TALKED. You may have been attracted to each other by looks but very soon you spoke. Then you probably sought sameness by chatting and questioning. Same kind of upbringing, same kind of background, same kind of culture, same kind of age. You checked each other out socially and spiritually. You found out where they worked, what they did for a living. Then you introduced them to your friends for approval and finally your parents. Your friends quizzed them and then your family quizzed them. Questions, communication, speaking, interacting.

Find ways to keep this up. Make sure you are chatting. Make sure you know what's going on in each other's lives. Make sure you express both your loving as well as your unhappiness feelings. If you are not fulfilled in an area, don't sit brooding and waiting for your partner to 'prove their love for you' by noticing and in some psychic way knowing your needs. Tell each other what you love and dislike, what you want more of and what you want less of.

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

- Article by Samantha Joel - Psychology Today
Shared by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

No matter how long you have been married, these vows or affirmations are a great way of strengthening your relationship and creating a stronger marriage. I encourage you to read them and then share them with your partner. I KNOW that if you repeated them together every day or at least every week it would enhance your commitment to each other.

1.  I promise to respect, admire, and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become.
2. I promise to support and protect your freedom; because although our lives are intertwined, your choices are still yours alone.
3. I promise to seek a deep understanding of your wishes, your desires, your fears and your dreams.
4. I promise to always strive to meet your needs; not out of obligation, but because it delights me to see you happy.
5. I promise to be there for you when you need me, whenever you need me.
6. I promise to nurture your goals and ambitions; to support you through misfortune and celebrate your triumphs.
7. I promise to keep our lives exciting, adventurous, and full of passion.
8. I promise to persevere when times get tough, knowing that any challenges we might face, we will conquer them together.
9. I promise to treat you with compassion over fairness, because we are a team, now and for always.
10. I promise to show you, every day, that I know exactly how lucky I am to have you in my life.

If you enjoyed these, you will love my book, "So you're married, now what?" You can download it at: www.stephenvanbasten.co.za/author.html

I will always be thankful to Dr John Demartini for this gift. Axiology is the study of values and what we as humans value and asserts that human beings are really just trying to do more of the stuff they like and less of the stuff they dislike. That we have things we love doing and things we hate doing. That we will spend our lives trying to get more pleasure and less pain. The fun begins when we realise one thing. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT . One man's meat is another man's poison. One woman's success is another woman's failure. We each have a 100% individual set of values, needs and wants. You may love fishing while I abhor it. I may love gardening while you see it as a complete waste of time. You always have time, energy and money for the things you love doing. Mine is learning and teaching. I love speaking to big crowds and sharing my insights with them. Many people would rather die! Right at the bottom for me is washing dishes, filling in tax returns and shopping with my wife in a packed mall.

So if your husband loves rugby and you love visiting your family, don't schedule a visit during the Curry Cup Final! Rather grab a beer and sit with him. Shout when he shouts and get miserable when he does. Jump for joy when the final whistle goes. Then go visit mom.

And if your wife loves going to gym and you love the movies, book tickets after her gym session. Even better, go swipe your Vitality Card and get some extra Discovery miles. Then go to movies.

I strongly suggest you go to www.drdemartini.com and do his "Value Determination Exercise". Then get your spouse to do it. Then share your values with an open mind. I promise you, you cannot change him or her into something they are not.
I highly encourage you to accept yourself for who you are, then accept your partner for who they are and then PLEASE, don't try to change each other.

Whenever I work with marriages in trouble it's usually about one spouse wanting the other spouse to be more like them. Dr. Demartini would call this, "Having an unrealistic expectation of your spouse to live in your values". Expectations (realistic and unrealistic) are the root of many and even most of our problems. For an excellent insight into this, book yourselves on Dr. Demartini's Breakthrough Experience. It will strengthen your marriage tremendously.

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?"
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

I was recently exposed to an amazing new teaching. It relates to the brain and that little voice in our minds. It would seem that the major task of the brain is to keep us safe. To protect us. Interestingly enough, I learnt this at a financial seminar (T Harv Eker's Millionaire Mind Intensive) and also at a presentation seminar (T Harv Eker's Train the Trainer).

We are largely empty when we are born. You can teach a child any language on earth. We are essentially programmed by our parents, our siblings, our culture, our society, our friends. The politics and religion of our parents usually become ours. We learn about money from our parents and they were probably our first examples of marriage too. The brain is like an air-conditioners thermostat. If you program an air-conditioner for 22 degrees, it will warm up when the room hits 20 degrees and cools down when it hits 24. We are the same. According to Harv, we have a financial blueprint which keeps us limited. He and others in this field assert that you will never earn more than your self-image (what you believe you are worth). It is the brain and THE LITTLE VOICE that holds us back. The same is true for marriage. Man, there are so many negative beliefs surrounding marriage. When I told one of my acquaintances that I was getting married he suggested I take an aspirin and I would feel better in the morning.

There are so many paradigms associated with marriage:

• Another one bites the dust
  
• Another good man gone
  
• 50% of marriages fail
  
• Men are all bastards, they all cheat on their wives
  
• She is lovely now but she will turn into a bitch in 5 years' time
  
• Women are controlling and husbands are hen-pecked
  
• Love is blind
  
• Rod Steward is claimed to have said, "Whenever I feel the urge to get married, I find a strange woman and give her my house. That's the eventual outcome of marriage".

These are all examples of the little voice. Warning you against marriage. Trying to keep you safe from heartache.
Your little voice will re-enforce your paradigms during marriage too:

• She is bossy
• He love work more than me
• She is a nag
• He would rather play golf than spent time with me. You see. He does not love me.
• She always ………………
• He always ……………….
• She just spends money without thinking
• He is such a miser
• She hates my friends
  
• He hates my mother

Your little voice needs to be managed. Ask yourself right now what your beliefs are around marriage. Don't allow yourself to find the politically correct beliefs, or the say the 'correct' thing or the 'right' answer. Your beliefs create your future. The beauty is that if you know what they are you can change them.

Winners react and make decisions based on their vision and mission, losers listen to their little voices and do nothing. Marriage is a choice. Don't allow your little voice to ruin yours.

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

Despite the best intentions and honed inter-personal skills, you will argue. This is normal. The classic stages of group dynamics hold in marriage too. Forming, storming, norming and performing except in a marriage the cycle never ends, storming, norming and performing, storming, norming and performing, storming, norming and performing, storming, norming and performing. When a married couple tell me that they have been married for 40 years and have never had an argument I am immediately sceptical. In my opinion they are either being dishonest (to create a good image) or they have a VERY hierarchical marriage and one of them is totally dominant and the other totally subservient.

My advice here is two-fold.

1. Don't bottle things up. I often ask to Jax after a heated discussion why she allowed her feelings to get to explosion stage instead of sharing earlier. Express your feelings (ideally in Adult -> Adult mode).
2. Warning. This is incredibly difficult for both of you. It takes a lot of self-control.
   
   1. Make two appointments with your spouse 24 hours apart. For example, at 8pm on Wednesday night and 8pm on Thursday the next night.
      
   2. Tell your partner that you have something you want to share that is bothering you.
   3. On the first appointment you tell them what is bothering you. THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO RESPOND. Just listen.
      
   4. On the second appointment, they report back with their thoughts and feelings relating to the issue. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO RESPOND. Just listen.

I love this because it forces good communication. What we as humans do when someone gives us feedback is we instinctively react with our point of view. We want to defend ourselves. We react so quickly that we do not honour our partners sharing, opinion and feelings. This leaves them feeling un-heard and frustrated.

Here is the truth about most arguments: YOU ARE BOTH RIGHT. From her perspective she is right and from his perspective he is right. Reality is very grey. Truth is very grey. Who decides what is right and wrong? Is one man's meat not another man's poison? Who is right about religion? The Buddhist, the Muslim or the Christian? Who is right about politics? The Socialist or the Capitalist?

In my opinion, there are two types of arguments:

1. Both parties are interested in the truth and want to sort the issue out no matter who is right and who is wrong ;try to be like this]
2. Both parties want to prove their point and they will even lie or hide the truth to achieve win the argument. They are obstinate that their way is correct [try to avoid these. No one can win].

I believe this sentence is very enlightened and emotionally mature way of expressing an issue with a partner: "Stephen, sometimes the things you do annoy me. I am not asking you to change because I accept you as you are, but please understand that when you do them, I will generally react badly"
When you are not able to manage the discussion in ADULT mode and you find yourself in a big fight, have your argument, say what you need to but try your best not to get nasty. Then make up as quickly as you can. Apologise if you need to and get on with life.

Sometimes when Jax is angry with me after an argument I will ask her if she can imagine a time in the future when she will be friends with me again. The second she says, "Yes" I suggest with my naughty grin that she starts immediately and not waste the time in between ☺!

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

Are you 100% sure you love me and want to spend the rest of our lives together?

Marriage is a commitment for life. It is a serious step which should not be taken lightly. Most people get married in their later twenties and we are living up 90 years and longer. If you think of how you have changed from when you were a baby to now around 30, Imagine how you will both change over the next 60 years. While there is no guarantee of future happiness, at least be very sure the answer to this is a resounding, "YES!"

Are you realistic about marriage and do you know that our commitment will be tested?

While you are courting and in the honeymoon stage, things are easy and congruent. It's like the two of you have become one. This changes over time. Life happens. Humans make mistakes. Fortunes come and go. Parenthood adds pressure. You both meet new people and have different needs. You will have to forgive each other for lots of minor and some major transgressions.

Is our marriage going to be a hierarchy or a partnership?

Traditionally the husband is seen as the head of the house and the wife as the neck. This is a hierarchy and only works if the wife is 100% sub-servient and accepts this position. Personally I have seldomly seen this model work. Generally the wife builds resentment and a volcano results.

I believe that the better model is where you are both equal partners in the marriage. This is a huge decision and will require a large amount of emotional intelligence. In this model you are equal. Everything is discussed and agreed. Yo both have the same rights, the same say. You both own equally expensive cars, have the same access to the money and your vote counts the same. No one can over-rule the other.

Do you want children and if so, how many and how soon?

I assure you that after you get married the question will change from, "When are you getting married?" to "When are you having your first kid?" It would seem that women have an intrinsic trigger to become moms and the older they get, the more urgent it becomes. I feel that men have a more romantic idea about parenthood but are not aware of the time and effort required to bring children up. This is an area of difference very often with couples I work with before marriage. I suggest you agree this one up front with very clear communication.

What is your vision for the future?

Successful business usually have a very clear mission and vision statement with short, mid and long term goals to achieve them. Added to that, the management team are all committed. I believe that creating and sustaining a long lasting fulfilling marriage is the same. It is a choice rather than a mere outcome. Have a frank discussion about the future. Where would you like be 20 years from now? Where would you love to live? How do you both earn money? Where do the kids go to school? Where do you love to travel? What do you love to do most? What is your real passion, your meaning in life?

How do we manage money, sex and power?

The greatest cause of divorce is money. Not who makes it, but how we decide to spend it and who makes the decisions. There is nothing more demeaning than for one spouse to have to ask the other spouse for money. There are actually 4 money personalities and your spouse will probably be different. Agree on a system that works for you.

Sex is an important aspect of marriage. Do not underestimate this! Tell each other what you like, how you like it, how often you like it as well as what you don't like and what will never happen!

Agree up front how decisions will be made in the marriage, especially how you will manage the children. How will you make the big money decisions? How will you make the big family decisions? Who has the deciding vote? How do you break an impasse?

1. Make it your mission to be the best spouse in the world
   1. when you both have that attitude your marriage becomes more resilient
2. Become each other's best friend
   1. Make sure you take time to chat and keep updated on what's happening in each other's lives.
   2. Share your thoughts and opinions
   3. Share your dreams and fantasies
      Side note: ii. Only act out on about 20% of your fantasies, some things are best kept in the realms of the mind. But be brave enough to share them and mature enough to receive them…..
3. Allow your partner to be who they really are.
   1. Don't try to make them more like you.
   2. At the end of the day, don't we all just want to be loved and respected for
      who we are?
   3. And while we may change for those we love, over time, don't we always
      default back to who we really are?
4. Facilitate growth in each other.
   1. Personal,
   2. Spiritual,
   3. Emotionall
   4. Intellectual.
      
   5. Recognise that marriage is one HUGE growth experience
      
5. Find new ways to please each other
   
   1. Don't get complacent
      
   2. Don't rest on your laurels
      
   3. Keep things spicy everywhere, not only in the kitchen.
6. Learn to communicate:
   
   1. Learn and respect each other's values
      
   2. Recognise how your differences make you a team
      
   3. Learn and talk in each other's love language
      
   4. Learn and talk in each other's apology language
      
   5. And then actually express your love
      
   6. And actually apologise when you are wrong
7. And forgive graciously and quickly
   1. we are all human and we will make mistakes
8. Resist temptation
   
   1. Temptation is real and we are all susceptible
      
   2. Temptation is not only sexual
      
   3. Could also be Financial (overspending an agreed budget)
      
   4. or being overly Controlling or Selfish
      
   5. Usurping each others authority
      
   6. And this gets even harder when the kids arrive
9. Trust each other
   
   1. Trust until you are given reason not to rather than assert that trust must be earned
      
   2. You are going into this marriage with trust, so always expect the best of each other
      
   3. Always give each other the benefit of the doubt
10. Manage change over time
    
    1. 20 years later I am not the man Jacqui married and she is not the women I married
       
    2. You will both change
       
    3. Right now you are attracted to the things that make you the same
       
    4. As you move through time you will not only grow & change but you will get to see each other's full personality
       
    5. The good and the bad will emerge
11. Power struggles
    To be honest, I don't know how to address this topic properly, It has proven to be the most difficult area of my marriage
    1. Who is the head of the family, when?
    2. Managing different parenting styles
    3. How do we spend the money?
    4. Apologising
    5. Pouting/Cold Shoulder
    6. Withholding time/ sex / favors / words
       
12. Be realistic in your expectations of
    
    1. yourself,
       
    2. your spouse,
       
    3. your relationship
       
    4. and your marriage
13. 13. Recognize that you are responsible for your own happiness
    1. It is not your partners duty to make you happy
       
    2. Only you can achieve that
       
    3. You are choosing to find happiness together
       
    4. But not abdicating responsibility to the other
14. Celebrate occasions
    1. Buy each other cards and gifts on:
    2. Wedding anniversary
       
    3. Valentine's day
       
    4. Christmas
       
    5. New Year
       
    6. Birthdays
       
    7. Mother's day
       
    8. Father's day
15. Have a common Vision
    
    1. Agree on short, mid and long term goals in all 7 areas of life (Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Social, Familial, Vocational, Financial)
       
    2. How many children you will have?
       
    3. Where you want them to go to school?
       
    4. How you will discipline them?
       
    5. To spank or not to spank?
       
    6. How you will spend the money?
       
    7. How much you will save and invest?
       
    8. Where you would like to end up living (and retiring)?
       
    9. Will you go to church? And when the kids arrive?
       
    10. Can you afford to have mom at home when the ids arrive?
        
    11. Would mom actually want to stay home?
        
    12. Know where you want to be 50 years from now in all 7 areas (Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Social, Familial, Vocational, and Financial)!

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

There are 3 states of communication according to this well-known model.
1. Parent to Child
2. Child to Parent
3. Adult to Adult

The ideal is to have Adult to Adult conversations. This is when you have a neutral relationship in terms of power and authority and it is more of an equal partnership than a hierarchy.
The theory is that when one partner speaks 'down' to the other P -> C the other partner will usually react like a child C -> P.

Example "A" below.
Ideally when this happens, the enlightened spouse would come back Child -> Adult as in Example B.
Example C represents the ideal Adult / Adult state.

A

P->C: "How many times do I have to ask you to clean the pool. You'd think after 10 years of living here that you'd know it has to be done every week"
C->P: "And you'd think that after 20 years of marriage you'd do it yourself"

B

C->A:" I have remembered to clean the pool and I will do it once I have eaten"

C

A->A: Darling, please remember to have the pool cleaned before Sunday as we're having visitors and it embarrasses both of us when the pool is yucky"

A->A: "Sure thing honey! Remember last time how awkward it was?"

Another set of examples:

A

P->C: What? You want more money? What for? Do you think money grows on trees?
C->P: No it doesn't but I wish it did!

B

C->A:" I know money doesn't grow on trees. I need some to replace my worn tires.

C

A->A: Phew. Cash flow is tight right now. What do you need the money for?
A->A: My tires are quite worn but can last another 2 weeks till pay day. Shall we do them then?

Here is a challenge. Can you find a way of practicing this with your spouse? Practice examples C above. In other words the Adult -> Adult states. Then agree that whenever one of you feels patronised, you can simply say, "Parent-Child?" with a slightly raised eyebrow and the other partner must try again in Adult -> Adult mode. You asked for communication skills. This one is a beaut. Use it in an Adult -> Adult manner and it will change your lives forever.

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

Being in rapport is one of the most powerful states you can be in. When you met, you were in massive chemical rapport. Remember the first words you shared, asking for the first date, the first kiss, the first everything. That yummy togetherness is rapport? You can rekindle the old rapport with practice as well as enhance your present relationship by actively being in rapport. Once again, you can choose to be in ACTIVE love or Passive Love. You can use this in sales and business too. In fact in any relationship you value. The real professionals even use body language mirroring and other techniques to enhance this.

Here are some examples.

I suggest you take turns reading the above to each other a couple of times. You read "partner 1" and your partner replies with "partner 2". Feel what it feels like when you are not in rapport. Now create your own examples below.

This is an excerpt from the book, "So you're married, now what?
Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten
www.stephenvanbasten.co.za/author.html